N'aies pas peur, A---!

Am I always that nervous?  I didn’t think I was, but the truth is it might be so. I say I’m fine but he says I’m stressed. I thought I was just pretending to show him I worked too much that I’ve gone crazy , but seems like the pretenses are no longer pretenses? I mean, it’s twice that he advised me the same thing, “ si tu penses que tu peux le faire, alors tu peux le faire, ne penses jamais que tu peux pas “ , “n’aies pas peur, c’est la seule chose qui t’empêche maintenant“ , “Aies confiance en toi-même”.  and the same advices for twice, i guess i can’t say that it’s for something he has wrongly seen?  So, if this is the case, I really should change my attitude. Believe In yourself, A---! Don’t be intimated by them. You’re always a good as them. :D

going emo

And that damn day comes again. I suddenly felt emo today. Why? Don't ask me why-- I just don't know why. I admit, I'm the kinda person who can love nobody but me. I hate people way too easily, as easy as I can make people hates me. I hate jerks, but actually I'm just one of them. I hate it when I thought I could do something yet I discovered I was wrong. Day by day, I found the less and less things I'm really able to do.  Then what am I actually? I don't know. Right now, I feel like I'm a burden to everyone. And yes I really am. I feel like everyone starts to hate me. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone as in EVERYONE. I can feel their disgusted gaze everytime my eyes falls on theirs. Maybe it's just me who feels so,  yeah so say you, but it's ~ I don't know. I mean, you know I don' t like -- boys right? (and if that makes you think that I'm a lesbo, you better go fuck yourself) . yet I have to live among them, and living among them makes me— well I guess they don't and won't ever know the reason why I'm behaving so harshly around them, so indifferent, so~ *sigh. I just don’t want any difference between us. Me being the only girl among the boys, it's not like what you've (and I've) seen in dramas. it's not that great at all. It's suffocating, shall I say? When you want to be yourself but you can't and when you try to be like them and still you can't? I hate it when they see me as a girl. Not because I hate being a girl, but because I hate being awkward around them. If they think I'm sucks enough to be with them, well they should know that I'm not that happy either being with them. Nobody really knows how lonely I feel in that class, and nobody really cares.  I've tried enough to get up to them, but if they think I am just a burden, what can I do then? It's not like I haven't try to match myself to their level, but that's just how far I can go. 

WELL, SORRY FOR BEING A GIRL. SORRY THAT I'M STILL THERE WHEN YOU WANTED ME TO LEAVE, BUT I WON'T LEAVE UNLESS I HAVE TO. NOT BECAUSE OF YOU--- GUYS.