2013 with EXO. Welcoming 2014.

It's almost 2014. Yet here I am. Still. At the same phase of life, not budging. 

Throughout 2013, I've been happy, wonderfully in love with those twelve angels sent from heaven, It's a metaphore and you know it. But it's true, they are the ones that kept my days alive, they're the ones that kept me accompanied throughout my hardest times. 010113, that's the first day I fell for Kris. then day by day, I start to love him as Wu Yi Fan. I fell for his beautiful and kind heart more than his beautiful handsome face. Remember the moments when I cried almost everyday when he went 'missing'? Never once in my life I cared for someone that much. Whenever he got hurt, I bled inside. I felt helpless for not being able to be by his side during his toughest time. The him that suffers for people, the him that smiles when he's shedding tears of blood inside, the him who takes care of his each fans before himself, the him who never complains of being tired eventhough being followed all the time. that beautiful soul of this man touches me. for all this time i've been loving someone for their outside but this time for first time i love him for being him. I can't put in words how much this guy means to me, how he means the world to me. And EXO, you guys played such an important role for this. You see, I never regret loving you guys. Having spend my hundreds bucks for you guys is not even something I regret. You guys are the miracle of my 2013. and I hope that'll continue in 2014. I hope I will stay being an EXOtic for the rest of my life. Eventhough i might be living a dream, let me be. Don't wake me up because thats the only way I can be happy with you guys. Don't even remind me of how impossible the dreams are. I knew it, more than anyone else. But let me. Just let me. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR. WELCOME 2014.

sekarang orang duk bising pasal Arwah Ammar, saudara seagama yang belajar di Istanbul dan menemui ajal di Istanbul, dikuburkan pun di istanbul. Arwah ni memang sangat baik orangnya, banyak beramal, charity work, melawat Syria memang semua dia dah buat. Kalau tengok video yang di dedicatekan kat dia, memang mengalir air mata. Honestly, kenapa aku cakap pasal ni is sebab aku rasa somehow connected dengan arwah. He died just lepas 2 hari aku balik ke France. Malam yang kitorang dinner dengan para Menteri tu, he was there; eventhough I didn't notivce him. So how come I dont feel connected? Another thing is, the video really made me think of a lot of things. "Kalau aku mati siapa yang nak angkat keranda untuk aku?" ,  "Ada ke orang nak berebut utk angkat keranda aku?", "mati aku diingati orang ke tak?" . Soalan2 ni keep haunting me. tengok the deeds yang arwah dah buat, sangat jauh dan kerdil aku rasakan diri aku ni. Arwah mati Syahid(insyAllah). Aku? Mati dalam iman ke, mati dalam dosa(nauzubillah)? 

Wallahualam, aku harap aku tak mati dalam kekufuran. Aku harap soon aku akan dapat ikut jejak langkah mereka yang aku panggil sisters. Walaupun bukan dalam masa sehari, aku harap setiap hari aku berubah kearah lebih baik walau sedikit. Amin.

Icy Heart

Rindu. ada rasa rindu. Terasa nak balik ke tempat itu, ke masa itu. Funny isn't it? How I got fluttered by the slightest memory of Istanbul, and how the memory brought me back to him. It's not that I don't know we're not meant to be, but I can't help 'wanting' someone like him. I know my place, that's why I'm standing here still. He's not someone you can just reach so easily. Not even in your dream. Plus, this might be just a stupid crush of mine so there's no use of taking this seriously. I admit he's the third man to shake my heart. This icy, cold heart of mine is not something someone should see, not something someone should feel. It should stay there in it's place and keep the coldness to itself without freezing anyone else. I do want someone warm to melt me but it's just way too much to ask for. 

And why on earth does this entry sounds so cheesy? LOL

Tangan Kiri, atau Kanan?

Change? Perubahan? Hijrah....? 

Teringin, ada terdetik rasa nak berhijrah. Bila aku tengok sahabat2 sisters2 yg dah berhijrah, aku nampak diorang tenang, aku nampak mereka bahagia. Anehkah kalau aku inginkan benda yang sama? Tak kan?. Tapi kelakar, lucu aku rasakan. Kenapa sekarang? Kenapa selepas pulang dari bumi Uthmaniyyah itu baru  perasaan ini datang? Kelakar, kalau dikonklusikan bahawa dialah penyebabnya. Lucu, kalau perasaan ini akhirnya cuma hangat-hangat tahi ayam. 

 Tangan kiri masih menggengam hidupku yg kini; jahil, hitam dibaluti nafsu duniawi. Tapi indah aku rasakan. Cool, sepertimana yang aku selalu impikan. Hanya dengan sebegini aku mampu mendekati semua orang yang cuba menjauhi aku dengan menjadikan kain di kepalaku sebagai alasan bahawa aku tidak cukup cool atau terbuka menerima gaya hidup mereka. Ya, dengan kain dikepalaku, kain yang menjadi satu-satunya lambang agamaku dihadapan sahabat yg berlainan kepercayaan, aku cuba mendekati mereka dan melangkah masuk sempadan yang telah ditetapkan. Bisous? Pub? It's not a big deal. As long as I'm not seen as someone narrow-minded, as long as I'm considered cool and easy-going enough. As long as I'm not just another typical muslim girl in their belief, the stereotyped one.

Tangan kanan? Kosong, masih kosong. Tapi lately, ku rasakan perlahan-lahan jari jemariku cuba menggapai sesuatu. Sesuatu yang aku tak pernah ada selama ini. Terdetik, terjentik hati ini untuk mencuba mencari sesuatu. Tapi, demi menggapai sesuatu itu, aku harus melepaskan genggaman tangan kiriku; yang sudah cukup sebati dengan hidupku, yang cukup aku sayangi dan yang aku sangat-sangat ingini. Aku ingin berubah, tapi aku tak sanggup meninggalkan hidup aku yang kini. 

Aku tak tahu, bingung, buntu. Apa harus aku lakukan? Aku risau, kalau ini cuma hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Kau tahu, aku bukan orang sebegini. Aku bukan seorang yang memegang pada sesuatu sehingga ke penghujungnya. 

Entah. Aku tak tahu. Kiri atau Kanan?

Cerita Istanbul, Aku dan Dia

6 days in Istanbul. It was an amazing journey. Especially to those who are really seeking for the answers about Uthmaniyyah. And I wasnt one of them. I was there for the sake of fun. Little did I know the me who was only thinking of having fun was intimidated when I met that someone. 

Well lets talk about the city first. It's amazing how a place makes you feel belonged to a culture and religion. It's a feeling you can never have when visiting the other countries in Europe. It's kinda upsetting when the language became a barrier, but knowing we always have a body language in common, it's relieving. 

Now let's talk about me. Always that kind of person I am, an empty soul-ed child whose heart is filled by ignorance. When everyone's leaving the country with a better self, I am always at the same place where I always am. Refuse to take a step further, but neither do I ever want to take a step back. 

And him? Well this time the Him in question is a total opposite of that Him I once had in my life. And that's probably the reason why I don't want to think of it too much. Not because I'm afraid of rejection or heartbreak, but because I know it's impossible for a people of my kind to have a heart for a person that is so kind and pure like him. As a girl, me too have the fantasies of having someone like him. No scratch that. I'm confused now. I NEVER had fantasies about such kind-hearted, demure, religious and almost perfect person. All I ever fantasized about is me falling in love with a people of my kind. Or a bad boy turn good. See? That's why it scares me to even think about him in the first place. He cant get involved in my sinful mind+heart+love-game. He's way too innocent to be associated to my life. He's way too good for me. I am way too far from his level. Eventhough now that I feel like I want to have someone like that in my life so that I can take a step further, it's just impossible in the very first place, So that's how this is gonna end. This fantasy will stay as fantasy. I'm not gonna ask for more. Coz I'm already here, back to the person I used to be when he's going up higher every moment we breathe. 

And as the trip is over, my heart and feelings will fade away too. Thanks for the beautiful 6-days in Istanbul. 

A Vigil, On Birds and Glass.

I woke up this morning still dreaming, or not fully aware of myself just yet. The sun poked through the windows, touching my face, and then a deep sadness overcame me, immediately, bringing me to life and realization- My Chemical Romance had ended. 
I walked downstairs to do the only thing I could think of to regain composure-
I made coffee. 
As the drip began, in that kind of silence that only happens in the morning, and being the only one awake, I stepped outside my home, leaving the door open behind me. I looked around and began to breathe. Things looked to be about the same- a beautiful day. 
As I turned to step back into the house I heard sound from within, a chirp and a rustle. And I noticed a small brown bird had flown into the library. Naturally, I panicked. I knew I had to see the bird to safety and I knew I had to retain the order of things in our home, and he very well couldn’t take up residency with us. I chased him (still assuming he was a he) into my office, where I have these very large windows.
Just then, and luckily, I heard Lindsey’s footsteps coming down the stairs, and naturally being composed as she is, she grabbed a blanket and stepped into the office. He was impossible to catch, and I began to open the windows, via Lindsey’s direction, only to find out they were screened. The bird began to fly into the glass, over and over and in all different directions. 
Smack. 
Smack. 
Smack!
I heard another set of footsteps, Bandit’s, running down the stairs in anticipation of the new day. Her entrance into the situation caused just the right amount of chaos (she was very excited to meet the bird) and we found ourselves chasing the bird into the living room. Knowing that this where it could potentially get sticky, being the high ceilings and the beams to perch on, I opened the front door as Lindsey did her best to encourage our new friend out the door. After some coaxing, flying, chirping, a wrong turn back into the library and a short goodbye to Bandit, he simply hopped out the front door- taking off on the fifth leap. 
We cheered. 
I was no longer sad.
I didn’t realize it, but I stopped being sad the minute that bird had come into my life, because there was something that needed doing, a small vessel to aid and an order to keep. I closed the door. I decided to write the letter I always knew I would.

It is often my nature to be abstract, hidden in plain sight, or nowhere at all. I have always felt that the art I have made (alone or with friends) contains all of my intent when executed properly, and thus, no explanation required. It is simply not in my nature to excuse, explain, or justify any action I have taken as a result of thinking it through with a clear head, and in my truth. 
I had always felt this situation involving the end of this band would be different, in the eventuality it happened. I would be cryptic in its existence, and open upon its death. 

The clearest actions come from truth, not obligation. And the truth of the matter is that I love every one of you. 
So, if this finds you well, and sheds some light on anything, or my personal account and feelings on the matter, then it is out of this love, mutual and shared, not duty. 
Love.
This was always my intent. 

My Chemical Romance: 2001-2013

We were spectacular. 
Every show I knew this, every show I felt it with or without external confirmation.
There were some clunkers, sometimes our secondhand gear broke, sometimes I had no voice- we were still great. It is this belief that made us who we were, but also many other things, all of them vital-
And all of the things that made us great were the very things that were going to end us-

Fiction. Friction. Creation. Destruction. Opposition. Aggression. Ambition. Heart. Hate. Courage. Spite. Beauty. Desperation. LOVE. Fear. Glamour. Weakness. Hope.

Fatalism. 

That last one is very important. My Chemical Romance had, built within its core, a fail-safe. A doomsday device, should certain events occur or cease occurring, would detonate. I shared knowledge of this “flaw” within weeks of its inception. 
Personally, I embraced it because, again, it made us perfect. A perfect machine, beautiful, yet self aware of it’s system. Under directive to terminate before it becomes compromised. To protect the idea- at all costs. This probably sounds like something ripped from the pages of a four-color comic book, and that’s the point.
No compromise. No surrender. No fucking shit.

To me that’s rock and roll. And I believe in rock and roll.

I wasn’t shy about who I said this to, not the press, or a fan, or a relative. It’s in the lyrics, it’s in the banter. I often watched the journalists snicker at mention of it, assuming I was being sensational or melodramatic (in their defense I was most likely dressed as an apocalyptic marching-band leader with a tear-away hospital gown and a face covered in expressionist paint, so fair enough). 
I’m still not sure if the mechanism worked correctly, because it wasn’t a bang but a much slower process. But still the same result, and still for the same reason-

When it’s time, we stop. 

It is important to understand that for us, the opinion on whether or not it is in fact time does not transmit from the audience. Again, this is to protect the idea for the benefit of the audience. Many a band have waited for external confirmation that it is time to hang it up, via ticket sales, chart positioning, boos and bottles of urine- input that holds no sway for us, and often too late when it comes anyway.

You should know it in your being, if you listen to the truth inside you. And voice inside became louder than the music. 

<At this point, I take a break to receive a visit from old friends, all of which were instrumental in some way to the beginnings of the band. We talk about the old days, and we talk about music, we talk about new things. We laugh and drink diet soda. We say goodbyes, I go to bed, to resume my letter in the morning, which is->

Now-
There are many reasons My Chemical Romance ended. The triggerman is unimportant, as was always the messengers- but the message, again as always, is the important thing. But to reiterate, this is my account, my reasons and my feelings. And I can assure you there was no divorce, argument, failure, accident, villain, or knife in the back that caused this, again this was no one’s fault, and it had been quietly in the works, whether we knew it or not, long before any sensationalism, scandal, or rumor.

There wasn’t even a blaze of glory in a hail of bullets…

I am backstage in Asbury Park, New Jersey. It is Saturday, May 19th, 2012 and I am pacing behind a massive black curtain that leads to the stage. I feel the breeze from the ocean find its way around me and I look down at my arms, which are covered in fresh gauze due to a losing battle with a heat rash, which had been a mysterious problem in recent months. I am normally not nervous before a show but I am certainly filled with angry butterflies most of the time. This is different- a strange anxiety jetting through me that I can only imagine is the sixth sense one feels before their last moments alive. My pupils have zeroed-out and I have ceased blinking. My body temperature is icy. 
We get the cue to hit the stage. 

The show is… good. Not great, not bad, just good. The first thing I notice take me by surprise is not the enormous amount of people in front of us but off to my left- the shore and the vastness of the ocean. Much more blue than I remembered as a boy. The sky is just as vibrant. I perform, semi-automatically, and something is wrong. 
I am acting. I never act on stage, even when it appears that I am, even when I’m hamming it up or delivering a soliloquy. Suddenly, I have become highly self-aware, almost as if waking from a dream. I began to move faster, more frantic, reckless- trying to shake it off- but all it began to create was silence. The amps, the cheers, all began to fade. 

All that what left was the voice inside, and I could hear it clearly. It didn’t have to yell- it whispered, and said to me briefly, plainly, and kindly- what it had to say.

What it said is between me and the voice.

I ignored it, and the following months were full of suffering for me- I hollowed out, stopped listening to music, never picked up a pencil, started slipping into old habits. All of the vibrancy I used to see became de-saturated. Lost. I used to see art or magic in everything, especially the mundane- the ability was buried under wreckage. 

Slowly, once I had done enough damage to myself, I began to climb out of the hole. Clean. When I made it out, the only thing left inside was the voice, and for the second time in my life, I no longer ignored it- because it was my own. 

There are many roles for all of us to play in this ending. We can be well-wishers, ill-wishers, sympathizers, vilifiers, comedians, rain clouds, victims-

That last one, again, is important. I have never thought myself a victim, nor my comrades, nor the fans- especially not the fans. For us to adopt that role right now would legitimize everything the tabloids have tried to name us. More importantly, it completely misses the point of the band. And then what have we learned? 

With honor, integrity, closure, and on no one’s terms but our own- the door closes.

And another opens-

This morning I awoke early. I quickly brushed my teeth, threw on some baggy jeans, and hopped in my car. I gently sped down the 405 through the morning fog to a random parking lot in Palo Verde, where I was to meet a nice gentleman named Norm. He was older, and a self-proclaimed “hippie” but he also had the energy of Sixteen year old in a garage-rock band. The purpose of the meeting was the delivery of an amplifier into my possession. I had recently purchased the amp from him and we both agreed that shipping would jostle the tubes- so he was kind enough to meet me in the middle. 
A Fender Princeton Amp from 1965, non reverb. A beautiful little device.

He showed me the finer points, the speaker, the non-grounded plug, the original label and the chalk mark of the man or woman who built it-

“This amp talks.” he said.
I smiled. 
We got coffee, talked about gold-foil pickups and life. We sat in the car and played each other music we had made. We parted ways, promising to stay in touch, I drove home. 

When I wanted to start My Chemical Romance, I began by sitting in my parent’s basement, picking up an instrument I had long abandoned for the brush- a guitar. It was a 90’s Fender Mexican Stratocaster, Lake Placid Blue, but in my youth I had decided it was too clean and pretty so I beat it up, exposing some of the red paint underneath the blue- the color it was meant to be. Adding a piece of duct tape on the pick guard, it felt acceptable. I plugged this into a baby Crate Amp with built in distortion and began the first chords of Skylines and Turnstiles. 

I still have that guitar, and it’s sitting next to The Princeton.
He has a voice, and I would like to hear what it has to say. 

In closing, I want to thank every single fan. I have learned from you, maybe more than you think you’ve learned from me. My only regret is that I am awful with names and bad with goodbyes. But I never forget a face, or a feeling- and that is what I have left from all of you. 
I feel Love.

I feel love for you, for our crew, our team, and for every single human being I have shared the band and stage with-

Ray. Mikey. Frank. Matt. Bob. James. Todd. Cortez. Tucker. Pete. Michael. Jarrod.

Since I am bad with goodbyes. I refuse to let this be one. But I will leave you with one last thing- 

My Chemical Romance is done. But it can never die. 
It is alive in me, in the guys, and it is alive inside all of you. 
I always knew that, and I think you did too.

Because it is not a band- 
it is an idea.

Love,
Gerard

Thanks for the letter. This somehow heals my bleeding heart. Thanks for always your MCRmy. I was one. I am one. And will always be one of your MCRmy.

Inferiority Complex

No matter how much I think about it, I just can't get it. Why am I feeling so proud of my personality yet when I'm around another girls I'm feeling so.. useless? I start to hate myself when I'm not the only girl among the other people. I mean I'm confident with myself, with my attitude and with this bitch-face of mine whenever I'm around the people. I mean I don't give a damn even if they say things about my not-so-good behaviour and my bitchy attitude cursing; speaking with voice up; about everything- I just don't care. But whenever I'm not the only girl there, I always feel as if I'm suck. As if I'm being compared to the rest and I'll get mad at myself for not behaving like a lady. I NEVER felt like I need to change myself because of that but instead, I just keep hating myself. I hate losing my cool. I hate being seen as a girl. I hate those but why am I hating myself for not being what I'm not? I easily get jealous of other girls over little things. I mean how her smile and laughter seems so beautiful, how her actions seems so lovely and the way she talks seems so convincing. how her every action is amazing and how she looks good in whatever she wears. How she seems so pretty no matter what situation she's in or whatever time it is. I realize, I have none of these traits, like never have it. I am always the one who's never good enough. I am always someone who is boring and plain. A girl when there's only me and a boy when there's everybody. 

LOST

Lost. Im lost. Ever since the semester started I never had my mind on the right place. With the fact that everything's hard even at the beginning, and I just can't seem to grab a hold of any of it, I don't know how am I going to deal with it later. I cant understand a single thing in electricity and i skipped lecture. Yeah once aint a big deal so say you but because I didnt understand one thing at the beginning I cant understand anything that comes afterwards. So I start skipping lectures more and more with the reason of not able to understand anything even if I am present at the hall. Then comes DDS and SDM. I failed my DDS in first semester when I thought it was easy and now that I feel the difficulties how am I surviving it this time around? SDM? bitch please I understand NOTHING. OH FOR GOD'S SAKE HELP ME GET ME OUT OF THIS STATE OF MIND. I need someone to talk to but there's nobody. Nobody. Can you even hear me??

What Is Love??

Another song from Exo that I found so soothing and the lyrics are just sweet and have all these fluffy feelings in it. hehe. By the way, yeah I re-type the lyrics below, because I don't find a good translation. I mean I love this translation from this video the most so yeah. It's not fully translated, not the whole song I mean. I just take off some repeated part and the baby stuffs. hehe

A very long day seems like a brief second

Everyday is like a plot that I'm writing down for you

This scene is a romantic scene, and the next scene I'm an action scene's leading actor

I'll play your heart's only hero

You're so perfect

Suddenly I look forward to the future that I'll accompany you to

Don't hide love away

Grab hold of happiness as long as you can be honest, baby

 I lost my mind

the moment you walked into my line of sight

When I'm near you the world gets in slow motion

Please tell me if this is love

Love is omnipresent

It will make me forget my wounds, share sorrow and learn to be caring

We' ve argued before, cried before and can still embrace each other 

please tell me if this is love

When I hold your hand the entire world is endlessly envious

When you kiss me I understand that this feeling will never change

What they said was eternal, perhaps isn't anymore

But you can trust that I will love you regardless of everything else

You will slowly understand

I dont know why this feeling can't be replaced

Love is unexpected , appearing suddenly

You make me turn into the world' s best man

As long as I'm by your side, my life will be brilliant

Tonight thinking of you, I open the curtains and wish to the starry sky

Like the happy ending in a fairy tale, happily ever after

From today on, I'll give you my all, love you dearly, and wait for you

I'll never leave you

I just want to give you my lifelong love

I cannot not think of you, is this love?

I just wanna make you smile like a sincere child

I just wanna comfort you like a friend you can depend on

Baby, tell me exactly what is love..

P/S: HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE LULU's AND CHENCHEN's  VOICE??? <3

Angel

I've nothing to talk about, just that I'm super in-love with EXO for now, and I believe this is one of the most beautiful lyrics I've ever found. 

Pure, like the innocence of a child who doesn’t know better 

Born in this beautiful moment

Eyes, closing and opening again, afraid this is only a dream

Not wanting to let go, I stand before you honestly, wishing for your attention

I only want to be with you, our footsteps in harmony, just once is enough

As I ride the wind , I descend upon your world 

The white wind surrounding only you

You ask where I come from, I say “it’s a secret” with a smile

As long as you’re with me

Heaven is anytime, anywhere

To me you’re more illuminating than an angel

If anyone wills any ill towards you, I won’t let it happen

Nervous as if I’m stepping into Eden for the first time

I want to look at you everyday, think of you everyday

The endless sand and dust, I won’t let any of it hurt you or near you

Guarding you forever, I’m eternally in love

Blocking the gusts for you , I am your guardian

You’ll always have me even if the whole world turns cold

Anytime you are hurt or sad, I will wipe away those tears

As long as you’re with me, no matter where

Heaven is anytime, anywhere

When I fell in love, there’s no turning back

My wings were lost, my eternal life stripped away, oh no

But my one and only reason for my happiness

Right now my eternity is you, eternally in love

As I ride the wind I descend upon your world

The white wind surrounding only you oh you

You ask where I come from, I say it’s a secret with a smile

As long as you’re with me

Heaven can be anytime, anywhere

Agree? ;)