EMPTY

I woke up to this feeling, of emptiness. Of longing. Of fear. Of hope.

There’s just so much going on right now. People might think it’s just another k-pop controversy but it ain’t it. It’s something that shakes me so hardly and I am just so broken right now. Having to sit on fences watching over two sides under different cages. I know they’re suffering inside of their cage but I just don’t know what they’re doing exactly, or why are they not together at this moment. Or who are the one responsible for the damage. Or how could this happen. Or when did this begin. I know nothing about these yet I know they’re hurting, so much that it breaks me apart.

I never knew that a mere presence of one person in my past two years could change me so much. Change me on how I appreciate people. Change me to be loyal.

It’s true that EXO is not the first group I’m following, in fact I wasn’t really there when they debuted. I started to be their follower not when they first started active, but when they were on their long-hiatus. That’s when I first learn to be patient. To be loyal for a group of people I barely know. Then out of them there’s a man that taught me to put people before myself. A man that taught me loyalty is a beautiful thing. And thanks to that man I’ve been living a beautiful 2years-long journey with EXO.

That man.
That was the first time ever in my life that I felt so affected by the absence of someone, even though he was never really present in my life, but knowing that he might be somewhere out there, walking alone through the road of hardships yet I just can’t offer my hand because there’s just an invisible wall that won’t break between us, knowing that as much as I’m disenchanted being only one of the millions people he would never know and see and that he only see ‘me’ just as another dot in the ocean of lights that are present for him but can’t be there for him or do anything to ease his pain..

Yes I’m talking about him. About Wu Yi Fan. Call me biased, call me blinded. Because I really am. But never forget that he’s not my first bias in EXO, he’s not the reason I start following EXO but HE IS the reason why I STAY with EXO. Because as I say, he’s the one who taught me to be loyal. To appreciate someone(s) who makes you happy, to give love to the one(s) that give(s) light to your life.

When he was first gone, I was really devastated and confused. And worried. What are his hardships that he can’t tell anyone whenever he fakes us a smile so we can never see him cry? How he always put everyone before himself makes me learn how selfish I’ve been living. And how different we are. But that’s the difference that makes me respect him even more. Makes me look up to him more.

Not only him. The whole EXO played a big role in my life at that moment. It’s true that he’s the person that taught me to be loyal, and before everything, he taught me to be loyal to his teammates. And I really appreciate and love and I support EXO as twelve but the truth that I really started supporting EXO because of Kris, that’s just another reality I need to face. People might point fingers blaming me for not being a loyal fan to the whole group but no, I DO. I love Byun Baekhyun as much as I love Kim Jongdae and Luhan. I love Park Chanyeol as much as I love Do Kyungsoo and Kim Junmyeon, Kim Minseok and Huang Zitao as much as Oh Sehun, Zhang Yixing as much as Kim Jongin and all in all I love Byun Baekhyun, Park Chanyeol, Kim Minseok and Kim Jongin as much as I love Wu Yi Fan. So you do the maths. The only difference about them is that Kris is the only one that brought me back to EXO, and Wu Yi Fan kept me to stay with them. This might sound stupid to you but yes they meant the world to me at that moment. And they still are. That’s why I’m breaking apart right now.

Breaking because after all these time I’ve been watching over them, I still can’t figure out what they are dealing with personally. How did I not see this coming.  How could this happen so unexpectedly? How could I not know he’s suffering, or how could I not see the difference in his smile? I guess I kinda get too blinded by Kris instead of Wu Yi Fan and it just breaks me that I can never know how he really feels because I’m just a mere fan with no power and no knowledge and no right to know what he feels inside. The most I can do is to cry when he cry not because I want to, not because he asked me to but because my heart just hurt to see him breaking down and there’s nothing I can do to fix him.

And it tore me apart when I realize that EXO really does come later. Only after I spent hours of thinking about him that I realized the fact that the other 11 brothers are hurting just as much as him. Way much than I am. That’s when it hits me hard, he is not the only one hurting, the whole group is breaking down right now. Because of him alone.

I must admit, being in their shoes, of course I would feel betrayed if someone so close to you just leave you alone without words. I was so worried about Tao, and I was right, that boy was really breaking apart. I can never imagine being left by someone you call brother and someone who you look up to, respect, and love so much is leaving you like that. I mean that really explains how he reacted in such a way. If I were him I’d really feel disappointed to accept the fact that the person you thought was with you during the whole journey, abandons you at the very moment you’re excited to see the real outcome. And the things they’ve been working on together as 12 the whole time, just to see the result as 11.  For that I’d really call Kris an irresponsible person. To leave when the others sweats themselves to death working on their first ever concert, when they’re at the peak of their life; how is that responsible to walk away without a word (if that’s the case)?

But as much as Tao might feel disappointed of Kris, I am disappointed of other members too. I’m so sad that if it’s true that they’re blaming him for leaving, then does it mean that their brotherhood meant just that much? I mean instead of blaming Kris for leaving why didn’t they themselves have sensed what might’ve gone wrong for him? Things can’t be this messed up for a mere problem. How can’t they see the pain he’s been dealing with the whole time? I know things must be major for Kris to give up his 11 brothers. He’s not such a nonchalant person. He must have his reasons that weighs his actions.

And if it’s true that he’s leaving because he wanted to be treated as human or because of his health problems, then know that I am all 100% with him on this. Honestly, when I first knew about this, my heart already sets with him. Because I know, not only him but everyone in EXO has been working their asses off to please people. To make people happy, to make ME happy. But as Yi Fan stan, I am really proud of him, for breaking free. I have always wanted him to fight for his own happiness before others’. I think it’s enough for him to suffer in order to make people happy. I really want Wu Yi Fan to be happy because that’s what makes me happy. So the moment he’s fighting for himself, I was really happy for him because I know and we know how hard an idol life is, and I just don’t want him to suffer in that life anymore. I’d rather him become an unknown Wu Yi Fan and lives happily instead of suffering to be a person he has to be. Eventhough I really wish he stays where I can ‘see’ him, but if that means he’s gonna have to deal with those kinda shit and gets his happiness taken away, I’d rather not. 

And frankly, if that does happen, I am afraid. I’m really afraid that if I can’t ‘see’ him anymore then one day I might just forget him. I might forget how important he is to me. How much I love him and how much I’ve cried for him. And most importantly I’m afraid if one day I don’t know who Wu Yi Fan is anymore.

And if he leaves EXO, I am afraid that I won’t be seeing EXO the way I’ve been seeing them anymore. Because I know an empty spot without Kris is not gonna make EXO the EXO I’ve been loving till now. 11 is not 12. And 1 is not 12. 12 is 12. And it takes 1 and 11 to be 12. That’s why I might not be able to see them through the same lenses anymore without Kris, the person that brought me to the core of EXO.

I can’t promise that in the upcoming days, I’ll stay the way I am towards either Wu Yi Fan or EXO right now. The love, the support, the commitment. I really wish to support both parties with my utmost strength in the future but I’m just afraid to promise that. But I might as well be leaning just on one party and not the other, and the worst case I don’t want to ever happen, I might just abandon both. I really hope I’m going to stay with the first case, because if not, then I’d feel really bad, and betrayed by the first group of people that I ever trusted and put my faith, sincerity and loyalty in. As they’re the ones who make me the person I am today, I don’t want them be the ones who end it. 

I want to be able to say proudly in the next 10 years, and the next another 10 that I am an EXO fan. And I love them like I love myself. That they’re the ones who keep me going through my hardest times. To grow old watching them growing. To share their bits of happiness and sorrows. To be by them when they fall down and to rise up together with them when it’s time. To be forever one with them.

To live my life as a bystander watching, crying, and cheering for them from afar.

Things will get better, if not today then tomorrow it will. 

So, #StaystrongEXO #StaystrongKris #WebelieveinyouKris #WebelieveinEXO #WeareONE #Weareforeverone #EXO #Galaxies #Exotics 

Lost in Pretenses

I think I've been tough for too long that I'm afraid I'm unable to go back being what I used to be. I mean who I really used to be. It's a lie I'm living in everyday, deceiving people into thinking this is what kinda person I really am but truth is, I'm just getting drown into my own lies and pretenses. The person I was trying to be now has become myself. And my real self is now gone. What should I do?

2013 with EXO. Welcoming 2014.

It's almost 2014. Yet here I am. Still. At the same phase of life, not budging. 

Throughout 2013, I've been happy, wonderfully in love with those twelve angels sent from heaven, It's a metaphore and you know it. But it's true, they are the ones that kept my days alive, they're the ones that kept me accompanied throughout my hardest times. 010113, that's the first day I fell for Kris. then day by day, I start to love him as Wu Yi Fan. I fell for his beautiful and kind heart more than his beautiful handsome face. Remember the moments when I cried almost everyday when he went 'missing'? Never once in my life I cared for someone that much. Whenever he got hurt, I bled inside. I felt helpless for not being able to be by his side during his toughest time. The him that suffers for people, the him that smiles when he's shedding tears of blood inside, the him who takes care of his each fans before himself, the him who never complains of being tired eventhough being followed all the time. that beautiful soul of this man touches me. for all this time i've been loving someone for their outside but this time for first time i love him for being him. I can't put in words how much this guy means to me, how he means the world to me. And EXO, you guys played such an important role for this. You see, I never regret loving you guys. Having spend my hundreds bucks for you guys is not even something I regret. You guys are the miracle of my 2013. and I hope that'll continue in 2014. I hope I will stay being an EXOtic for the rest of my life. Eventhough i might be living a dream, let me be. Don't wake me up because thats the only way I can be happy with you guys. Don't even remind me of how impossible the dreams are. I knew it, more than anyone else. But let me. Just let me. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR. WELCOME 2014.

sekarang orang duk bising pasal Arwah Ammar, saudara seagama yang belajar di Istanbul dan menemui ajal di Istanbul, dikuburkan pun di istanbul. Arwah ni memang sangat baik orangnya, banyak beramal, charity work, melawat Syria memang semua dia dah buat. Kalau tengok video yang di dedicatekan kat dia, memang mengalir air mata. Honestly, kenapa aku cakap pasal ni is sebab aku rasa somehow connected dengan arwah. He died just lepas 2 hari aku balik ke France. Malam yang kitorang dinner dengan para Menteri tu, he was there; eventhough I didn't notivce him. So how come I dont feel connected? Another thing is, the video really made me think of a lot of things. "Kalau aku mati siapa yang nak angkat keranda untuk aku?" ,  "Ada ke orang nak berebut utk angkat keranda aku?", "mati aku diingati orang ke tak?" . Soalan2 ni keep haunting me. tengok the deeds yang arwah dah buat, sangat jauh dan kerdil aku rasakan diri aku ni. Arwah mati Syahid(insyAllah). Aku? Mati dalam iman ke, mati dalam dosa(nauzubillah)? 

Wallahualam, aku harap aku tak mati dalam kekufuran. Aku harap soon aku akan dapat ikut jejak langkah mereka yang aku panggil sisters. Walaupun bukan dalam masa sehari, aku harap setiap hari aku berubah kearah lebih baik walau sedikit. Amin.

Icy Heart

Rindu. ada rasa rindu. Terasa nak balik ke tempat itu, ke masa itu. Funny isn't it? How I got fluttered by the slightest memory of Istanbul, and how the memory brought me back to him. It's not that I don't know we're not meant to be, but I can't help 'wanting' someone like him. I know my place, that's why I'm standing here still. He's not someone you can just reach so easily. Not even in your dream. Plus, this might be just a stupid crush of mine so there's no use of taking this seriously. I admit he's the third man to shake my heart. This icy, cold heart of mine is not something someone should see, not something someone should feel. It should stay there in it's place and keep the coldness to itself without freezing anyone else. I do want someone warm to melt me but it's just way too much to ask for. 

And why on earth does this entry sounds so cheesy? LOL

Tangan Kiri, atau Kanan?

Change? Perubahan? Hijrah....? 

Teringin, ada terdetik rasa nak berhijrah. Bila aku tengok sahabat2 sisters2 yg dah berhijrah, aku nampak diorang tenang, aku nampak mereka bahagia. Anehkah kalau aku inginkan benda yang sama? Tak kan?. Tapi kelakar, lucu aku rasakan. Kenapa sekarang? Kenapa selepas pulang dari bumi Uthmaniyyah itu baru  perasaan ini datang? Kelakar, kalau dikonklusikan bahawa dialah penyebabnya. Lucu, kalau perasaan ini akhirnya cuma hangat-hangat tahi ayam. 

 Tangan kiri masih menggengam hidupku yg kini; jahil, hitam dibaluti nafsu duniawi. Tapi indah aku rasakan. Cool, sepertimana yang aku selalu impikan. Hanya dengan sebegini aku mampu mendekati semua orang yang cuba menjauhi aku dengan menjadikan kain di kepalaku sebagai alasan bahawa aku tidak cukup cool atau terbuka menerima gaya hidup mereka. Ya, dengan kain dikepalaku, kain yang menjadi satu-satunya lambang agamaku dihadapan sahabat yg berlainan kepercayaan, aku cuba mendekati mereka dan melangkah masuk sempadan yang telah ditetapkan. Bisous? Pub? It's not a big deal. As long as I'm not seen as someone narrow-minded, as long as I'm considered cool and easy-going enough. As long as I'm not just another typical muslim girl in their belief, the stereotyped one.

Tangan kanan? Kosong, masih kosong. Tapi lately, ku rasakan perlahan-lahan jari jemariku cuba menggapai sesuatu. Sesuatu yang aku tak pernah ada selama ini. Terdetik, terjentik hati ini untuk mencuba mencari sesuatu. Tapi, demi menggapai sesuatu itu, aku harus melepaskan genggaman tangan kiriku; yang sudah cukup sebati dengan hidupku, yang cukup aku sayangi dan yang aku sangat-sangat ingini. Aku ingin berubah, tapi aku tak sanggup meninggalkan hidup aku yang kini. 

Aku tak tahu, bingung, buntu. Apa harus aku lakukan? Aku risau, kalau ini cuma hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Kau tahu, aku bukan orang sebegini. Aku bukan seorang yang memegang pada sesuatu sehingga ke penghujungnya. 

Entah. Aku tak tahu. Kiri atau Kanan?

Cerita Istanbul, Aku dan Dia

6 days in Istanbul. It was an amazing journey. Especially to those who are really seeking for the answers about Uthmaniyyah. And I wasnt one of them. I was there for the sake of fun. Little did I know the me who was only thinking of having fun was intimidated when I met that someone. 

Well lets talk about the city first. It's amazing how a place makes you feel belonged to a culture and religion. It's a feeling you can never have when visiting the other countries in Europe. It's kinda upsetting when the language became a barrier, but knowing we always have a body language in common, it's relieving. 

Now let's talk about me. Always that kind of person I am, an empty soul-ed child whose heart is filled by ignorance. When everyone's leaving the country with a better self, I am always at the same place where I always am. Refuse to take a step further, but neither do I ever want to take a step back. 

And him? Well this time the Him in question is a total opposite of that Him I once had in my life. And that's probably the reason why I don't want to think of it too much. Not because I'm afraid of rejection or heartbreak, but because I know it's impossible for a people of my kind to have a heart for a person that is so kind and pure like him. As a girl, me too have the fantasies of having someone like him. No scratch that. I'm confused now. I NEVER had fantasies about such kind-hearted, demure, religious and almost perfect person. All I ever fantasized about is me falling in love with a people of my kind. Or a bad boy turn good. See? That's why it scares me to even think about him in the first place. He cant get involved in my sinful mind+heart+love-game. He's way too innocent to be associated to my life. He's way too good for me. I am way too far from his level. Eventhough now that I feel like I want to have someone like that in my life so that I can take a step further, it's just impossible in the very first place, So that's how this is gonna end. This fantasy will stay as fantasy. I'm not gonna ask for more. Coz I'm already here, back to the person I used to be when he's going up higher every moment we breathe. 

And as the trip is over, my heart and feelings will fade away too. Thanks for the beautiful 6-days in Istanbul.