Alhamdulillah again :')

So the result is out. Alhamdulillah, though there's no black and white of the result yet, but words saying that we made it, or I made it really relieves me. Actually, it's not really that I'm happy. nor sad. it's an unknown feeling, not that I'm not excited, but maybe because I still can't feel the feeling. Anyway, tonight (should be last night by now) I had a blast. The farewell dinner shall I say? Thanks everybody for such a great day. :)

Another beginning or an ending?

Okay so I haven't update my status for a while right? I'm currently:

- done with Pre France programme (alhamdulillah)

- busy enjoying my last days in MFI.

Everyday is full of programs to do. I can even say I haven't even had a real proper rest after the last paper.

Crazy but how I love enjoying these. Especially tonight. I always love to stay out all night and though this is short, but spending the night outside doing things I love would be an absolute thing to remember.

But hang on! There's another thing to worry about. tomorrow's the judgement day. or shall I say today? Idk how'll it turn out like, but.. Ya Allah, kau berikanlah yang terbaik buat hamba-mu ini Ya Allah.. Aminn.

A question without answer.

Late in the night, or shall I say early in the morning? I'm awake, can't continue studying, so here I am. Idk what should I talk about, but I just feel like writing. Actually, these days I've been asking myself ; 

"am I that mean? am I that greedy?" 

why did I ask that question? Obviously because of some people. LOL I don't even know how to explain this situation. I don't think I want em but I actually want em? HAHA funny you, alia. funny. :/

You know what? I'm tired of all the anticipation and sarcasm and hopes and waiting and yearning and everything. Things should've ended already but why does this continue? Ok if you're imagining my current facial expression and my heart condition right now, I'm having a straight face, sitting calmly laying my back on the chair while listening to music. Yeah I'm not writing in an unstable emotional condition. I'm all fine. :) So with this sanity I have in me, I ask myself again. What am I expecting from them actually? I said I don't want any of them, but when what I asked for became reality ; I felt uneasy. When I saw some light of hope; I'm excited. When I heard things; I imagine. When I remembered things; I procrastinate, I dream. When things don't go the way I expected ; I ended up in rage. When they act like they don't care ; I felt sad. When they act hot and cold ; I react the same way though I wish for the opposite. This confusion is endless. Well I know it'll end sometime somehow, but when is that? I'm waiting for the moment to come. 
And yeah, its true that...

That's what I'm feeling right now. Night peeps!

Current emotional status update

okay, hell of troubles. aku still sedih sebab suddenly umi & abah cakap dorang xleh datang ambik aku nanti. Aku tahu, maybe dorang ada kerja but this is heartbreaking. seriously. dorang selalu buat aku sedih dlm bab2 mcm ni. I mean, bukannya aku suruh dorang hantar and ambik aku tiap2 kali cuti. For the last time ni pun xkan x boleh? barang aku serious banyak gila. frust doe, tiap2 kali aku excited pasal dorang, last2 mesti aku nangis. this is not the first time that this happen, that's why aku dah fed up. Sorry umi abah, I'm trying to be understanding but it's just too much for my heart to take. With the final exam pressure and everything, how am I supposed to smile seeing other people being happy with their family? Just now Khal's mom and sis came; to pick her up. At that moment; Tuhan jela tahu betapa aku rasa jealous and sedih. Immature much, huh? Whatever. You won't understand the longing of a sister.. :'(

C'était de la merde. :'/

Interview's done. It was a hell of shit. Tapi lantak la. yang penting aku dah cakap yang sejujur-jujurnya la. kenapa aku pilih france, kenapa aku pilih méca. I spoke from the bottom of my heart. Math aku ada problem, yes. Méca aku pun problem. double yes.. that's why i feel insecure sekarang. I know some of em say; at least  I've got the backup from lecturers, mais ça sert à rien si j'ai pas de bonnes notes. It's not their support yang akan make sure aku succeed in France, but my performance. Mais bon, c'est fini. Sekarang ni kalaula ditakdirkan aku xde rezeki nak fly, mmg aku redha je. Aku dah try yang terbaik. Aku dah buat yang termampu. Aku dah cuba sepenuh hati aku, dedicate myself to engineering walaupun in the beginning I believed this isn't where I belong to. papela, mampos la nak jadi ape, penat doe nak risau2. Sekarang ni focus final pulak. Xpayah nak sedih2 sangat la, bukan dorang kesah pon. Tchao. 

p/s: kejap lagi masa kelas french, it's time for froooomaaageeeee~ hehee. kelas french je yg heaven skrg ni. tgk movie, makan2. yang laen? HAMPEH -.- 

Enough is enough.

I can be tough
I can be strong
But with you
It's not like that at all
There's a girl
That gives a shit
Behind this wall
You just walked through it

And I remember all those crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here.
All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here.
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.

I love
The way you are
It's who I am
Don't have to try hard
We always say
Say it like it is
And the truth
Is that I really miss


All those crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here.
All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

****

Okay that was before. Not anymore. Now it's time for me to stop doing that fucking thing. stop stalking, stop hoping and stop procrastinating. Enough is enough. It was only me who take things seriously but not them.  I bet they'll LOL at me if they knew this. Silly me. Sumpah penat doe. aku menyampah gile ngan aku punye keadaan sekarang. seriously, aku ada banyak lagi benda yg penting untuk aku pikir, tapi kenape aku kena pikir pasal dorang? I mean; come on la. aku pun taw this is only temporary, but why is this temporary  felt so long?? i'm tired of waiting. not for the outcome, but for it to ends. I seriously don't need this feeling. I've watched over how did I became a fool for this fucking thing called L***, and I don't want that to happen again. once is enough. I was happy enough without this sorta thing in my life so why did it appear in front of me and worse, in this kinda critical moment?? 

I dunno how, but I'll try. Try to get to my old-self. the cold-hearted one. And if going back to the 'dark period' is the solution, I'll do it, whether it'll work or not, we'll see. Aku x sanggup la tengok diri aku macam ni. Sumpah aku x sanggup, because this isn't how I should live. I deserve better than this. So, goodbye. 

Heart, get well soon.

Idk why am I feeling especially frustrated, heartbroken, disappointed and disenchanted tonight. Maybe because I've officially expressed my current heart condition to one of my bestie, so my feelings are getting more and more alive. but...

.

.

.

.

.

Why do I have to feel this way? it's not that I didn't expect this to happen. I knew it all along, yet I decided to play the game. But who's the one that hurts the most right now? It's me. The poor me. 

.

.

.

.

.

That's it. There's nobody to blame actually, but I prefer blaming myself for hoping too much. That's my biggest problem. I expect too much. and expectations always kill me. I knew all along that having those sorta feelings again will just destroy myself. But why didn't I control myself? Why did I let myself drown in that feeling? 

I know, I've been lonely for too long but still this isn't the time for me to end the loneliness. I should've stay that way. Yeah I feel no happiness but at least there's nothing for me to cry over. I really hate myself right now. Can I just get back to my old-self? The cold-hearted one?? 

Random xP

tadi masa tengah tengok gambar² gummybears aku, tetiba teringat kat ape yang aku bagitaw cik hanim  last week. mase tu kitorang kat famous amos, nak beli menatang warne warni ni la.aku pun tak taw macamane aku bole terkeluar cakap macam tu sbb seriously aku bukan orang yang nak cakap pasal benda² mcm tu. maybe sebab mase tu (last weekend to be exact) aku punya hormon x stable, pastu campur pulak ngan semangat & perasaan seorang loner yg kadang² terasa gak nak bercinta walaupun kalau boleh memang nak avoid those kinda stuffs (dafuqq ah kau -.-) . aku dengan open nya cakap; 

.

.

.

.

"nanti kalau aku ada pakwe, aku nak suruh dia propose dalam kedai macam ni la. xpun dlm boulangerie ke..."

.

.

.

okayy wth is that?? haha. so bila aku pikir balik, asal aku boleh cakap macamtu?  baru aku perasan. maybe sbb aku mmg terlampau suka benda² nie kot. tu yg sampai terimagine betapa bestnya kalau aku dapat gift benda² yang aku suka. instead of kasi aku benda² yang mahal or terlampau dabomb sgt, baik la kasi something yang boleh buat aku bahagia. or in other words, buat perut aku bahagia. :)  kalau aku dapat benda² macam ni konfem aku suka. reject ke x laen citer sebab aku ni mmg unexpected; depends on the person who gives the gift la kan. hihi. tapi in short, memang aku susah nak resist kalau masuk bakery or pape kedai yang jual pâtisserie ni. even masa aku kena buat exposé pasal boulangerie hari tu pun aku dah rasa heaven gile. tengok gambar je pon dah buat nafsu makan aku membuak². LOL. antara yang paling menguji ketahanan diri aku :

some of em do look alike kan? hehe. tapi serious bila tengok cream and everything, memang rasa nak menitik je saliva ni. sumpah bahagia la kalau dapat kawen ngan tauke kedai macam ni. haha xP x dapat bapak, anak dia pon jadi la. HAHA

nota kaki : baru perasan. ni first entry aku in malay. LOL. asal tetiba? macam pelik gak sebenarnye , maybe sebab kena angin malam ni yg sejuk sgt kot. (okayy ada kena mengena ke? *facepalm) . xpon sebab semangat BTN kot. haha BTN xhabes². come on la lia, move on please~ ;p 

Special - unwanted.

It’s…
Confusing how I cursed and hated you all the way, yet it’s you who I long for when we’re away.
Amazing how you've turned me like this, funny how I see myself changing.


I'm...
Relieved knowing that you do care, but worried thinking if I was wrong.
Excited upon seeing and hearing your name, but afraid even just to mention it .
Disappointed when you’re gone the moment I came in.
Tired of the thoughts from yesterday, when tomorrow is nowhere to be seen.


And just so you know that it’s…
Heartbreaking how you made me feel so special yesterday, but so unwanted today.