sekarang orang duk bising pasal Arwah Ammar, saudara seagama yang belajar di Istanbul dan menemui ajal di Istanbul, dikuburkan pun di istanbul. Arwah ni memang sangat baik orangnya, banyak beramal, charity work, melawat Syria memang semua dia dah buat. Kalau tengok video yang di dedicatekan kat dia, memang mengalir air mata. Honestly, kenapa aku cakap pasal ni is sebab aku rasa somehow connected dengan arwah. He died just lepas 2 hari aku balik ke France. Malam yang kitorang dinner dengan para Menteri tu, he was there; eventhough I didn't notivce him. So how come I dont feel connected? Another thing is, the video really made me think of a lot of things. "Kalau aku mati siapa yang nak angkat keranda untuk aku?" ,  "Ada ke orang nak berebut utk angkat keranda aku?", "mati aku diingati orang ke tak?" . Soalan2 ni keep haunting me. tengok the deeds yang arwah dah buat, sangat jauh dan kerdil aku rasakan diri aku ni. Arwah mati Syahid(insyAllah). Aku? Mati dalam iman ke, mati dalam dosa(nauzubillah)? 

Wallahualam, aku harap aku tak mati dalam kekufuran. Aku harap soon aku akan dapat ikut jejak langkah mereka yang aku panggil sisters. Walaupun bukan dalam masa sehari, aku harap setiap hari aku berubah kearah lebih baik walau sedikit. Amin.

Icy Heart

Rindu. ada rasa rindu. Terasa nak balik ke tempat itu, ke masa itu. Funny isn't it? How I got fluttered by the slightest memory of Istanbul, and how the memory brought me back to him. It's not that I don't know we're not meant to be, but I can't help 'wanting' someone like him. I know my place, that's why I'm standing here still. He's not someone you can just reach so easily. Not even in your dream. Plus, this might be just a stupid crush of mine so there's no use of taking this seriously. I admit he's the third man to shake my heart. This icy, cold heart of mine is not something someone should see, not something someone should feel. It should stay there in it's place and keep the coldness to itself without freezing anyone else. I do want someone warm to melt me but it's just way too much to ask for. 

And why on earth does this entry sounds so cheesy? LOL

Tangan Kiri, atau Kanan?

Change? Perubahan? Hijrah....? 

Teringin, ada terdetik rasa nak berhijrah. Bila aku tengok sahabat2 sisters2 yg dah berhijrah, aku nampak diorang tenang, aku nampak mereka bahagia. Anehkah kalau aku inginkan benda yang sama? Tak kan?. Tapi kelakar, lucu aku rasakan. Kenapa sekarang? Kenapa selepas pulang dari bumi Uthmaniyyah itu baru  perasaan ini datang? Kelakar, kalau dikonklusikan bahawa dialah penyebabnya. Lucu, kalau perasaan ini akhirnya cuma hangat-hangat tahi ayam. 

 Tangan kiri masih menggengam hidupku yg kini; jahil, hitam dibaluti nafsu duniawi. Tapi indah aku rasakan. Cool, sepertimana yang aku selalu impikan. Hanya dengan sebegini aku mampu mendekati semua orang yang cuba menjauhi aku dengan menjadikan kain di kepalaku sebagai alasan bahawa aku tidak cukup cool atau terbuka menerima gaya hidup mereka. Ya, dengan kain dikepalaku, kain yang menjadi satu-satunya lambang agamaku dihadapan sahabat yg berlainan kepercayaan, aku cuba mendekati mereka dan melangkah masuk sempadan yang telah ditetapkan. Bisous? Pub? It's not a big deal. As long as I'm not seen as someone narrow-minded, as long as I'm considered cool and easy-going enough. As long as I'm not just another typical muslim girl in their belief, the stereotyped one.

Tangan kanan? Kosong, masih kosong. Tapi lately, ku rasakan perlahan-lahan jari jemariku cuba menggapai sesuatu. Sesuatu yang aku tak pernah ada selama ini. Terdetik, terjentik hati ini untuk mencuba mencari sesuatu. Tapi, demi menggapai sesuatu itu, aku harus melepaskan genggaman tangan kiriku; yang sudah cukup sebati dengan hidupku, yang cukup aku sayangi dan yang aku sangat-sangat ingini. Aku ingin berubah, tapi aku tak sanggup meninggalkan hidup aku yang kini. 

Aku tak tahu, bingung, buntu. Apa harus aku lakukan? Aku risau, kalau ini cuma hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Kau tahu, aku bukan orang sebegini. Aku bukan seorang yang memegang pada sesuatu sehingga ke penghujungnya. 

Entah. Aku tak tahu. Kiri atau Kanan?

Cerita Istanbul, Aku dan Dia

6 days in Istanbul. It was an amazing journey. Especially to those who are really seeking for the answers about Uthmaniyyah. And I wasnt one of them. I was there for the sake of fun. Little did I know the me who was only thinking of having fun was intimidated when I met that someone. 

Well lets talk about the city first. It's amazing how a place makes you feel belonged to a culture and religion. It's a feeling you can never have when visiting the other countries in Europe. It's kinda upsetting when the language became a barrier, but knowing we always have a body language in common, it's relieving. 

Now let's talk about me. Always that kind of person I am, an empty soul-ed child whose heart is filled by ignorance. When everyone's leaving the country with a better self, I am always at the same place where I always am. Refuse to take a step further, but neither do I ever want to take a step back. 

And him? Well this time the Him in question is a total opposite of that Him I once had in my life. And that's probably the reason why I don't want to think of it too much. Not because I'm afraid of rejection or heartbreak, but because I know it's impossible for a people of my kind to have a heart for a person that is so kind and pure like him. As a girl, me too have the fantasies of having someone like him. No scratch that. I'm confused now. I NEVER had fantasies about such kind-hearted, demure, religious and almost perfect person. All I ever fantasized about is me falling in love with a people of my kind. Or a bad boy turn good. See? That's why it scares me to even think about him in the first place. He cant get involved in my sinful mind+heart+love-game. He's way too innocent to be associated to my life. He's way too good for me. I am way too far from his level. Eventhough now that I feel like I want to have someone like that in my life so that I can take a step further, it's just impossible in the very first place, So that's how this is gonna end. This fantasy will stay as fantasy. I'm not gonna ask for more. Coz I'm already here, back to the person I used to be when he's going up higher every moment we breathe. 

And as the trip is over, my heart and feelings will fade away too. Thanks for the beautiful 6-days in Istanbul.