Alhamdulillah..

I believe there's no such thing as too late when it comes to thanking God for what He'd given us. Maybe I'm writing this post with a different feeling right now since this should've been discussed like few days back or even last week. But still, Alhamdulillah, I've passed my full-of-agony+misery 3rd semester. somehow, I'm more motivated to go on now, since my steps to the door of my future is getting closer and closer. And now that i think about it, I've unconsciously been thinking and planning my life in France. Glad that I can dream their dream too now, because before, I'm just someone who wanders in it. Hope this motivation I'm talking about now helps me to go forward in my next semester. 

Again, Alhamdulillah, Ya Allah.. segala puji atas rahmat dan rezekiMu. :'D

N'aies pas peur, A---!

Am I always that nervous?  I didn’t think I was, but the truth is it might be so. I say I’m fine but he says I’m stressed. I thought I was just pretending to show him I worked too much that I’ve gone crazy , but seems like the pretenses are no longer pretenses? I mean, it’s twice that he advised me the same thing, “ si tu penses que tu peux le faire, alors tu peux le faire, ne penses jamais que tu peux pas “ , “n’aies pas peur, c’est la seule chose qui t’empêche maintenant“ , “Aies confiance en toi-même”.  and the same advices for twice, i guess i can’t say that it’s for something he has wrongly seen?  So, if this is the case, I really should change my attitude. Believe In yourself, A---! Don’t be intimated by them. You’re always a good as them. :D

going emo

And that damn day comes again. I suddenly felt emo today. Why? Don't ask me why-- I just don't know why. I admit, I'm the kinda person who can love nobody but me. I hate people way too easily, as easy as I can make people hates me. I hate jerks, but actually I'm just one of them. I hate it when I thought I could do something yet I discovered I was wrong. Day by day, I found the less and less things I'm really able to do.  Then what am I actually? I don't know. Right now, I feel like I'm a burden to everyone. And yes I really am. I feel like everyone starts to hate me. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone as in EVERYONE. I can feel their disgusted gaze everytime my eyes falls on theirs. Maybe it's just me who feels so,  yeah so say you, but it's ~ I don't know. I mean, you know I don' t like -- boys right? (and if that makes you think that I'm a lesbo, you better go fuck yourself) . yet I have to live among them, and living among them makes me— well I guess they don't and won't ever know the reason why I'm behaving so harshly around them, so indifferent, so~ *sigh. I just don’t want any difference between us. Me being the only girl among the boys, it's not like what you've (and I've) seen in dramas. it's not that great at all. It's suffocating, shall I say? When you want to be yourself but you can't and when you try to be like them and still you can't? I hate it when they see me as a girl. Not because I hate being a girl, but because I hate being awkward around them. If they think I'm sucks enough to be with them, well they should know that I'm not that happy either being with them. Nobody really knows how lonely I feel in that class, and nobody really cares.  I've tried enough to get up to them, but if they think I am just a burden, what can I do then? It's not like I haven't try to match myself to their level, but that's just how far I can go. 

WELL, SORRY FOR BEING A GIRL. SORRY THAT I'M STILL THERE WHEN YOU WANTED ME TO LEAVE, BUT I WON'T LEAVE UNLESS I HAVE TO. NOT BECAUSE OF YOU--- GUYS.

I shouldn't have done that. -.-"

just what the hell i've been doing these days? i've shown 'em too much of that side of me. yesterday, i've got my Paradise album ( yeah yeah, K-Pop, so what?!! )  

and I just can't help myself but being too happy and i've unconsciously gone into a crazy fangirl-smiling over the littlest thing bout the boys ( Infinite I mean. Not THOSE boys.. )

and that is really not me- well when i'm around boys I mean. I really shouldn't let em see that side of me. It's shameful. I shouldn't even let em see me blushing - ashamed neither crying but the bad thing is, they've seen all of those sides!!! >< aaarghhh! this is soooo wrong! I really should be more careful in my actions , so that I can keep that side of me to myself. 

heartbroken.

i just can't have hopes. they kills me. being too excited over a thing will led to my teary eyes at the end. 

I  wish i could see you, mom. and when i say i WISH, i mean i really want to. IMY.

Take Note, I'm a GIRL.

Ok, maybe you think of me as a guy, but, do u think i can accept those physical contact? 
Oh C'mon, you know and I know what kinda person I am. YES, I admit,
I'm not that great of a person and I'm not that good as a girl .

I usually don't mind this kinda thing (yeah, screw me, I told u I'm not a good person) but still, grabbing my bare hands? WTF? that's way too much man. once or twice, I could think that u're used to think of me as one of the dudes u're hangin out with but, intended? I think even someone’s worse than a dumbass like me would understand. Maybe I’ve no right to talk bout sin or whatsoever but personally,
I’m not into those stuffs. 
AND YES I TRULY AM NOT.

When I say I’m not an anti-PC, doesn’t mean I’m into it. Doesn’t mean I like and I would allow it. And doesn’t mean I don’t mind it at all.

We have different chromosomes after all, it’s pretty logic n’est-ce pas?
Plus, this is way far from what I’ve imagined.

Those kinda cheesy stuffs, they’re meant to be with my imaginary bfs, okay? 
Not with a friend I’ve known for less than a year.

But all in all, I’m truly disappointed in- MYSELF. 

WHY CAN’T I BRAZEN UP MYSELF AND JUST SAY NO? 
I know it’s somehow shameful, and I’m not such a bitch who would rip his face off in public with those harsh words. But I really need to put an end to this. He should know the limit, and just stay behind it.
I need to end it.

AND I SURELY WILL. 

Losing Myself .

i dunno what else to do.. seriously, my marks are gettin worse, and i'm clueless, how and what should i do?

I've tried so hard to put my heart into this yet when this is what's comin my way, what do u expect me to feel? 

i can't stop those bad thoughts from haunting me again. "am i really born for this?" , "is this really my path?", "just what the hell do u expect from someone who prefers holding a pencil and scribbling on a piece of paper yet she's in the world where she never even thought of being in?? "

frankly, i'm afraid. too afraid that i don't know if i can handle this anymore. the others are doing well, but me? when it comes to test, I could only jot down some piece of shit!

I'm embarrassed! too ashamed even  just to be around them. 

I really wish I could turn back the time, back when I decide where to go . but thinking bout it, I don't think there'll be any difference anyway. this is the created path for me, and yes, I'm accepting it. I'm already fine and kinda interested in it on the outside, but my heart is still TRYING. Sometimes you can't just ask ur heart to do what ur mind want to do.  

Whenever someone asked me "why do u wanna be an engineer?" , I really wish I could disappear for a second, I wish i don't have to reply to it. Or better said, I wish I could tell em the truth. The truth that I wish I don't have to be here. it's really heartbreaking to see myself now. I'm losing it. why should i live like this? I just wish to have a normal life. Normal as in NORMAL. I'm not this kinda person; someone who would let herself trapped in the room and let her ass sore on the chair getting her brain frozen from studying. I just~ IDK.. is this really what's meant for me?

Sometimes i wish that  i fail so that i don't have to continue suffering but thinking of the times i've spent, i guess it's better to stay. But will this stay promise me something better in the future? Well, I wish it would, at least to pay off my heartbreak.

love, stay away .

I said I won't get in any relationship, and yes i mean it. I'm not saying it for nothing, neither for fun. I just love it this way, being single means freedom. when i see people around me goes crazy over a thing called boyfriend, i feel lousy. sorry peeps, this is as i say, my territory so don't judge what i'm saying, this is just a piece of my personal thoughts. I feel like, my life alone is already miserable right now, how would it be if i have to take care of another's ? seriously, I don't think I want to be in any sorta relationship for this time being. i don't know if this thinking will lead me to being single forever or whatever but I'll try my best to stay away from a thing called LOVE, not til I can have faith in it and not til I'm ready for it.

P/S: I'm happy enough with my imaginary, change-able boyfriends , i don't think i need a real-complicated one. :)

Failure? Who's to Blame?

first post, hell yeah. i told you when things go wrong, it's time for me to write. it's upsetting me when all the efforts turns into shit. seriously, it's not like I've been playing all along, OK fine, let's say  I haven't study enough. then what should I do? I've tried to catch up, I've been digging my time to cover those things i've missed. Maybe it was me the dumb ass that's so slow in accepting everything. I can't  blame nobody for being so smart but myself. To Mr. F, sincerely , I want to thank you for today. I knew things have been tough in past few weeks, but for being sensible and understanding, I really² appreciate it. My deepest apology for cursing & hating you, but it's all for a reason. Well that time you didn't understand my situation and so do I. You couldn't see things from my POV, and neither did I. But now , well I mean today, I guess you really understand what's the feeling I'm having for being here. maybe you don't even know how much I'm trying to  love what I'm doing now, but at least you knew how much I've tried to get to their level. and I'll always remember this : 

"il y a deux types de peur,  celui qui nous fait perdre, et celui qui nous rend plus fort".

Merci Beaucoup, Monsieur F.