Losing Myself .

i dunno what else to do.. seriously, my marks are gettin worse, and i'm clueless, how and what should i do?

I've tried so hard to put my heart into this yet when this is what's comin my way, what do u expect me to feel? 

i can't stop those bad thoughts from haunting me again. "am i really born for this?" , "is this really my path?", "just what the hell do u expect from someone who prefers holding a pencil and scribbling on a piece of paper yet she's in the world where she never even thought of being in?? "

frankly, i'm afraid. too afraid that i don't know if i can handle this anymore. the others are doing well, but me? when it comes to test, I could only jot down some piece of shit!

I'm embarrassed! too ashamed even  just to be around them. 

I really wish I could turn back the time, back when I decide where to go . but thinking bout it, I don't think there'll be any difference anyway. this is the created path for me, and yes, I'm accepting it. I'm already fine and kinda interested in it on the outside, but my heart is still TRYING. Sometimes you can't just ask ur heart to do what ur mind want to do.  

Whenever someone asked me "why do u wanna be an engineer?" , I really wish I could disappear for a second, I wish i don't have to reply to it. Or better said, I wish I could tell em the truth. The truth that I wish I don't have to be here. it's really heartbreaking to see myself now. I'm losing it. why should i live like this? I just wish to have a normal life. Normal as in NORMAL. I'm not this kinda person; someone who would let herself trapped in the room and let her ass sore on the chair getting her brain frozen from studying. I just~ IDK.. is this really what's meant for me?

Sometimes i wish that  i fail so that i don't have to continue suffering but thinking of the times i've spent, i guess it's better to stay. But will this stay promise me something better in the future? Well, I wish it would, at least to pay off my heartbreak.