I'm soooo..... not excited of leaving didn’t I? holiday is only about 3 weeks. mana cukup bai. Dahla kena serabutkan diri ngan urusan MARA , finding stuffs to bring and everything. Cakap nak belajar masak tapi sampai hari ni pun aku x start belajar lagi.. Baju² dalam luggage tu pun x habis unpack lagi. Maklumlah, kalau nak ikutkan aku baru sampai rumah not even a week.. haha. tak normal eh? ah lantak kau pergi mampos, nanti aku rajin aku kemas la. haha ;D
Tapi nak dijadikan cerita semalam aku isi borang² MARA tu memang tension doe. actually bukan susah sangat pun, tapi aku rasa sebab aku xsanggup terima kenyataan that i'll be leaving my family and friends in Malaysia in less than a month. Boleh ke aku survive life dekat France? am I strong enough? tengok kawan² aku yg dah fly ke Australia, Germany, States. semua life macam enjoy je. Tapi bila teringat ape yg senior aku cakap masa pre-departure talk haritu, serious aku cuak. You know kan yang recently ada issue pasal Mohamad Merah and things bout terrorism blablabla kat France, so everybody there gone hell-like crazy and Islamophobie there is now getting worse. I wonder if by the time I arrive at the land of France, how'll they see me; a girl with hijab? Like that senior said, there'll be times when/where people won't accept us; so spits and rocks may be the things we have to withstand.
Honestly I'm not that strong. Maybe sometimes before I'd say that I don't even mind taking off my hijab even if the situation didn't urge me to. But now, with some people foreseeing and making guesses that I'll be taking it off once I'm at France, I don't think I will. Well my ego won't let me I guess and for that, I'm thankful. Walaupun aku tahu yang aku akan avoid it from hapenning just because I told/promised people, but at least I'll always have a reminder; that I have to keep my words and pride. And right at this moment, I really hope that no matter what comes my way, I won’t take the cover off my head. Aku tahu, aku bukanla someone yang perfectly covering my aurat. Yes I wear short sleeves, I wear tight pants and shirts. But the one thing I don’t want to let go is the hijab. No matter how ignorant I would be in the other things, I just hope that I’ll never sacrifice my hijab for the world. That’s the one thing I want to protect the most; physically; as a muslim. Je sais, mesti ada yang x setuju dgn apa yang aku cakap but this is just a piece of my personal thoughts. I may not be perfect, but I don’t want the imperfection to become an excuse for me to get worse.
And maybe sometimes I was blinded. Not that I don’t know that what I did was wrong, but the world and this black heart of mine has blinded me from the truth. I’ve seen it but I just won’t reach out my hands to it. Hopefully one day I’ll see everything well and may God gives me the chance to start accepting and to let me walk towards the truths I’ve pretended I didn’t see. My aim is not to become the best, neither to become perfect. But I just hope that I’ll be a better person from day by day, step by step, from time to time. There’s no need to rush things when your heart is not that ikhlas at all. I’m learning from the world. And I’m trying to change in a better way though nobody might see it. It’s better that way, I believe. Because when you let the world knows, what you do is no longer sincere and earnest from your heart. Let the things grow between you and Allah, for your own good, not for the world to see. Amin.
Oh and I’m pretty surprised how did I end up talking bout this. Tapi tak salahkan kalau sekali sekala bagi peringatan buat diri sendiri? J The world is black you see, and you’re not that white to be true. Bila-bila masa je boleh berubah. Either you want to shade off your colour or darken it, it’s all your choice.
